Thesis Defense

Friday, approximately 5 o’clock in the morning. I am awake. My stomach is crumpled up in some corner, rejects food. Anyway, Mr Nicolaus forces me to eat a little. Stomach is in a snit. I have a lot of time to kill. Lucky Mr Nicolaus, he has to work. So he dresses up and leaves for office.

I start running around in my appartment. Feed the budgies. Clean the communal arears in my house. It’s 8 o’clock and I still have 7 hours to go. I try surfing the world wide web. Can’t concentrate on what I read, it’s not as distracting as I hoped. Half past 9: I decide to get dressed and to put on make up. Start running around in my apartment again.

Half past 10: some vacuum cleaner salesman tries to talk me into buying a new and very expensive vacuum cleaner. I tell him, I don’t have the nerves to listen to him now. He takes a closer look and apologises. He clearly thought, I had to attend a funeral. What did he see? Me, clad in a long black skirt, black blouse and corsage, no make up yet, so I was really pale and had dark rings under my eyes. *gnihi* It was really hard not to laugh out loud after I closed the door.

Half past 11: I am done. Make up covers the most telling traces of nervousness and fatigue, I did my hair and pinned it to my head, so it would not do the Medusa during my presentation. Ample time to run around.

Half past 1 pm: Mr Nicolaus returns from work. He higs me and kisses me and tells me, everything will be aright. THANK YOU 😀

3 pm: I start my presentation. During the first few minutes some members of my chair at university come in – they are late and I am fucking nervous. Them being late does’t make it easier. I start to shiver and hold to the desk, because I am afraid of collapsing right after the beginning of my defense. My knies tremble, my hands shake throughout the presentation. Professor started with: “I have to ask: are you alright, do yopu think your health allows you to give this presentation?” – I shortly consider, I should have answered “no” – I had just nodded because I couldn’t speak… The questions afterwards aren’t too difficult, still I can’t answer them all because my mind is completely blocked by being nervous. I feel like crying and running away. I try to supress these impulses and my aswers become somewhat snappy. Try to supress anger, too. I hate this situation: I understand the words, but I can’t make any sense from them. I am totally devastated, when we are sent outside, so the examiners can discuss my grade.

Half past 3 pm: it’s over. My grades are great. I finally relax. Luckily, I stop trembling without collapsing right in fornt of the examiners. My back and my shoulders are completely tense. Mr Nicolaus promises massages. Still looking forward to those 😀

Monday: lots of people addressed me as “Dipl-Ing”. I am soooooo proud. I can’t wait to be handed my certificate. Studies are over, work begins in June. I am on holiday right now.


About Being Nervous

Tomorrow, 3 pm. Final step in getting my Diplom Ingenieur degree: presentation. Standing in front of my supervisor, my professor, the examiners, my future colleagues, friends, family. Telling about my thesis. In English. Everything about the thesis has been in English so far. My supervisor does not speak German. So I currently *think* in English when it comes to electronics. I am really afraid, I’ll mess up.

Today, now. My stomach feels like a crumpled bit of paper. Tries to hide somewhere. I don’t know if I am hungry or not. I am just fucking nervous. I cleaned my flat today, so it is ready for my relatives coming tomorrow. I don’t even know what time they will arrive. I still have to iron my clothes for tomorrow. Do I put on something more female or something more male? That is: corsage or tie? Both go really fine with my blouse and long skirt. I am wearing a studded dog’s collar quite regularly in every day life. I know it is most unappropriate  for the occation, but it has always given me a strange feeling of security. I’d like to wear it, but I really don’t think I should. After all, my attire will be “gothic” enough to make people wonder, if it is appropriate at all. People who know me know I can’t choose, don’t want to choose. Dressing up as a fashion victim with high aspirations for a career isn’t me.

I was unusually calm today. Felt like the calm before the storm. Right now, I think that’s exactly what it was.

I. am. fucking. nervous.and afraid. And I would prefer not to be alone tonight.

Rhubarb Pie

Cooked twice this month with fresh rhubarb from the garden *UBER-YAMMI* plus: my family envies me for already having had this twice with rhubarb from the garden. They didn’t have it once, and they will have to buy there rhubarb from a supermarket *nänänänänä* 😛

Things you will need:

  • 1 ovenproof dish (very unsure about how this thingy is called in english… in German it would be “Auflaufform”)
  • rhubarb for this ovenproof-dish-thingy
  • sugar
  • streusel: 200g butter, 200g sugar, enough wheat flour
  • vanilla sauce

As you already see, this recipe is kind of imprecise. Don’t blame me, blame my mom, ’cause that’s how she told me how to do it. 😉

Start by peeling and cutting the rhubarb into pieces (width half a centimeter to a centimeter). Fill it into the ovenproof dish, but leave some space for the streusel. Add sugar to the rhubarb as you like. Prepare the streusel: knead the butter and the sugar and add flour until you have a nice streusel dough. Cover the rhubarb with the streusel. Put the pie into an oven at 150°C to 170°C and bake until the streusel become golden-bownish in coulor. You will also see the rhubarb juice cooking up between the streusel cover.

While the pie is baking, prepare the vanilla sauce.

Serve the pie hot with vanilla sauce and enjoy this sin, which the God of Dieting will not easily forgive. You can also eat it cold, but I think hot tastes much better. Next time I cook it, I will try to make some pictures.

And for the diet people: never ever try to replace the butter with margarine. You wouldn’t want to eat that pie. Believe me 😉

Mittelalter Party

Mr Nicolaus and I went to the Mittelalter Party at – well – the biggest club playing our music round here. On the main floor would be medieval rock – that is rock music with medieval elements and instruments and stuff. We both like it. very. much.

But we were early, so we could park near the club. Not. Unfortunately, there were lots of big events in the other clubs so we had to walk a little farther than we planned. But we are nice and do not park where it is not allowed. Just in case. You wouldn’t want to risk a parking ticket on a night out, would you?

Being early also means, you have to sit through the DJs chill out music. He’s quite convinced, that dancing should not take place before some certain time. So the music is not too loud and he tends to play songs that are nice to listen to, but too slow to really dance. I think, yesterday he played just some album. I hate it when he does that. He started the dance with a fucking long version of some song called “Palästinalied”. It felt like 15 minutes, it was veeeeeeery slow – so only slow-mo dancing possible. I was kind of pissed. Anyway, I had to look out for some guy cald in leather and leather amour parts, because he was swinging his drinking horn and had cleary had too much booze already.

Then the fun part started: there are really lots of hits available in this sector and lots of different bands – and Mr DJ put us through almost all of them. Almost no slow songs in between, just fast rock – we danced for over two hours before we settled down at the bar for some drinks. Actually just water, because we were sweating like hell. Everything else would have been so totally fucking inappropriate. Those two hours were really fun – especially when people tried to go smokin and they just stayed, exclaiming “NO! I can’t go, because of this song!”. 😀 Not smoking fucking rocks!

People were really great last night. Most people on the medieval floor were cleary fans of this music and the rest – well, they just partied along. So there was just a huge crowd dancing there hearts out, singing along with the music, bouncing, spinning – just giving everybody a really great time, who went along.

We left at shortly before three o’clock in the morning because I was so totally wasted. (No alcohol for me – just more like feeling sooooo very close to collapsing because your system is strained a little very much. Plus stomach sending strange messages that could either indicate imminent return of  its contents or plain hunger)

Strangest thing of last night: I met my student’s thesis supervisor last night. I did not know he liked that music and I did not think I would _ever_ meet him in this club. Dancing and stuff. Should I feel old now? 😉

Lessons learned? Yupp, don’t fucking restrain myself to one meal a day (not even because I am still fucking nervous) and go out to dance like some kind of maniac. Stomach protests that. Legs too. Feet will equally join in.

Evil-demon-sage-sweetie from Hell

Because my throat is sore, I forced myself to approximately 2l of sage tea and loads of sage sweeties today. One of these little fuckers has clearly been made in hell:

Travelling with a tram, I accidentailly swallowed the little fucker – and instead of just going down, it fucking decided that it would be really nice to have a look at my lungs. So there I was in the tram, coughingmy heart out until I more or less collapsed. Not in the medical sense, more like “dropping to the floor because I was not giving thought to standing because of more immediate problems”. Well, luckily there was some really nice young man who finally had the mind to squish my lower ribs, which cleared my throat.

Thank you!

Believe it or not: the tram was full of people, but neither cared to help – they just started fucking whispering to each other and pointing their fingers. Sad – really very sad. Maybe earlier on some hearty slap on the back would have helped me, too – but no – let’s wait until somebody nearly chokes to death under everybody’s eyes.

Anyway, I won’t allow any candy near me and won’t have any sage sweeties until I finish my studies next week. Just to make sure, see…