Next week my last universtiy exam will take place – not the last one ever, but the final for my studies: I have to defend my thesis. And I am damn fucking nervous! I don’t feel like this is going to be “just a presentation” as my supervisor likes to say. He is really a great guy, he tries to comfort me and reassures me. I think seeing me panick in the two weeks before handing in my thesis must have been a little scary. And he only got the light version.
My big, very, very BIG problem with exams is: I am horribly afraid of them. I am good, maybe very good at what I am doing, but still having exams looming on my agenda gives me the creeps. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. My mood will oscillate between deep depressions and euphoria. I can fly into a rage for litterally nothing. I am hard to bear with for those around me. At least the rage thingy didn’t show that strong. Any bad news can make me go into deep despair with a whole lot of crying – and I did a whole lot of crying in those weeks before handing in.
Before all my exams I had during my studies, I would get completely panicked. I would only study and sleep and study more for days and sometimes weeks, and when trying to show my knowledge – I would just fail. I simply could not tell people all the information stored in my head. I looked at examples I calculated just a week ago – and I was not able to redo those calculations. I was not able to draw circuits from my mind correctly.
Now I am kind of afraid. I have to defend on Friday afternoon next week. I am already nervous. My parents are coming and are bringing at least one of my sisters, too. That does not really help me to calm down.
What, if I forget about all the things I want to tell? The things I should tell? What, if I have a black-out? It’s so fucking scary…