Tomorrow, 3 pm. Final step in getting my Diplom Ingenieur degree: presentation. Standing in front of my supervisor, my professor, the examiners, my future colleagues, friends, family. Telling about my thesis. In English. Everything about the thesis has been in English so far. My supervisor does not speak German. So I currently *think* in English when it comes to electronics. I am really afraid, I’ll mess up.
Today, now. My stomach feels like a crumpled bit of paper. Tries to hide somewhere. I don’t know if I am hungry or not. I am just fucking nervous. I cleaned my flat today, so it is ready for my relatives coming tomorrow. I don’t even know what time they will arrive. I still have to iron my clothes for tomorrow. Do I put on something more female or something more male? That is: corsage or tie? Both go really fine with my blouse and long skirt. I am wearing a studded dog’s collar quite regularly in every day life. I know it is most unappropriate for the occation, but it has always given me a strange feeling of security. I’d like to wear it, but I really don’t think I should. After all, my attire will be “gothic” enough to make people wonder, if it is appropriate at all. People who know me know I can’t choose, don’t want to choose. Dressing up as a fashion victim with high aspirations for a career isn’t me.
I was unusually calm today. Felt like the calm before the storm. Right now, I think that’s exactly what it was.
I. am. fucking. nervous.and afraid. And I would prefer not to be alone tonight.