Thesis Defense

Friday, approximately 5 o’clock in the morning. I am awake. My stomach is crumpled up in some corner, rejects food. Anyway, Mr Nicolaus forces me to eat a little. Stomach is in a snit. I have a lot of time to kill. Lucky Mr Nicolaus, he has to work. So he dresses up and leaves for office.

I start running around in my appartment. Feed the budgies. Clean the communal arears in my house. It’s 8 o’clock and I still have 7 hours to go. I try surfing the world wide web. Can’t concentrate on what I read, it’s not as distracting as I hoped. Half past 9: I decide to get dressed and to put on make up. Start running around in my apartment again.

Half past 10: some vacuum cleaner salesman tries to talk me into buying a new and very expensive vacuum cleaner. I tell him, I don’t have the nerves to listen to him now. He takes a closer look and apologises. He clearly thought, I had to attend a funeral. What did he see? Me, clad in a long black skirt, black blouse and corsage, no make up yet, so I was really pale and had dark rings under my eyes. *gnihi* It was really hard not to laugh out loud after I closed the door.

Half past 11: I am done. Make up covers the most telling traces of nervousness and fatigue, I did my hair and pinned it to my head, so it would not do the Medusa during my presentation. Ample time to run around.

Half past 1 pm: Mr Nicolaus returns from work. He higs me and kisses me and tells me, everything will be aright. THANK YOU 😀

3 pm: I start my presentation. During the first few minutes some members of my chair at university come in – they are late and I am fucking nervous. Them being late does’t make it easier. I start to shiver and hold to the desk, because I am afraid of collapsing right after the beginning of my defense. My knies tremble, my hands shake throughout the presentation. Professor started with: “I have to ask: are you alright, do yopu think your health allows you to give this presentation?” – I shortly consider, I should have answered “no” – I had just nodded because I couldn’t speak… The questions afterwards aren’t too difficult, still I can’t answer them all because my mind is completely blocked by being nervous. I feel like crying and running away. I try to supress these impulses and my aswers become somewhat snappy. Try to supress anger, too. I hate this situation: I understand the words, but I can’t make any sense from them. I am totally devastated, when we are sent outside, so the examiners can discuss my grade.

Half past 3 pm: it’s over. My grades are great. I finally relax. Luckily, I stop trembling without collapsing right in fornt of the examiners. My back and my shoulders are completely tense. Mr Nicolaus promises massages. Still looking forward to those 😀

Monday: lots of people addressed me as “Dipl-Ing”. I am soooooo proud. I can’t wait to be handed my certificate. Studies are over, work begins in June. I am on holiday right now.

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