First of all, I guess, if this might be hurting somebody, please forgive me… It’s just, I currently can’t tell it any other way.

I am currently so utterly confused about myself. It’s really diffivult to sort my thoughts and feelings out. It is not that I am not in love with Mr Nicolaus any longer. I still am very very much.

It’s just… we haven’t seen each other for almost four weeks now. And neither of us is to blame. It was circumstances one cannot change. But I miss him. I miss him like hell. And it’s not getting any better. Sometimes I feel like something is trying cruch my chest and is choking me. It feels difficult to breathe and I really cry more often than I should. Sometimes I believe I can really feel the pain physically although it’s more my soul that’s in pain.

And I’d really like to tell. But on the other hand I don’t want to talk about that, because I want to be strong. But I am not. I am afraid that I am not strong enough. But I always thought I could be strong enough, just because I want to. Recently I am in doubt. I’d really like to be strong enough to fight of every challenge. Really.

I just don’t know any other way to communicate this. So please, don’t feel bad, because I suffer. Feel good, because you make me happy.

I am sorry, I guess this is still all very confusing. I still can’t get things straight. Forgive me.


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